Here....Wagon, Wagon, Wagon...

whoa. that wagon looks so tall from way down here.

but i didnt fall off of that wagon. i jumped off. ive realized something in the past few weeks. it is painful to admit. but it's true.

I LIKE BEING FAT.

i like not exercising. i like eating whatever i want. i love love love eating out. i like the freedom of not having to plan every meal. and i love eating different kinds of foods. and i like the ease that comes with packing a crappy and tasty lunch.

yes. it makes it harder to move. but i dont mind not moving.

yes. it makes my clothes fit tighter. but i dont mind buying new clothes.

ofcourse i hate how it makes me look to other people. and that it is really bad for my health. but, those two things aside, i think i'd be a-ok with never ever worrying about eating good and exercising.

and yet, there's another part of me that wants to be thin more than ive ever wanted anything my whole life.

Some Serious Forces

the craziest thing has happened. the forces of the internet want this fat off my ass. they are working harder at it than i did this weekend! let me start at the beginning.

a few days ago i got another response to my craig's list work out buddy ad. she lived kinda far, so i didnt see any real hard core workout potential.

then i receive a comment on my blog offering me times to get together to work out. wow. it is the same person who responded to my ad. she said she stumbled across my blog the same way she stumbled upon my craig's list ad. so how could i pass that up? she has her own blog. how amazing is that? so many many times i wished that these amazing people that are in the same battle im in lived closer. i would love to be friends with so many of these strong, courageous, honest, entertaining people. and now i have the chance to! well, at least work out with one. so we have tentitive plans to meet next saturday at the far-from-me, close-to-her ymca.

part of me is a little freaked out. i mean she knows some very personal things about me. which is fine for a fellow blogger...but there have been some pretty revealing posts on this blog. and she said that she read them all. all. all. even the one about my boobies being droopie! and when my house was super dirty! and when i was so lazy that i'd rather take care of myself instead of doing it with hubby! well....so much for mystery in this relationship. hey! at least she'll know to keep her trap shut!! :-D

i really feel myself teetering. im not doing so hot lately. i really appreciate the kind words after that bad weigh in. but it's more than that. my laziness is starting to ruin my life again. clean clothes are very sparse. im not wearing dirty underwear, so that's good, but i dont have any clean work out clothes or jeans. and i dont want to work out. im going to aqua fit at 8 pm tonight with WOB. thank god. my eating has not been so great. in fact, this weekend it was terrible. i blame it on Asian Chicken Salad. canned mandarin oranges, chicken, chow mein noodes, roasted almonds, a ton of asian sesame dressing. it is the gate way drug of food. it was not a healthy salad. it made me want more junk. but really, it's not just that. the motion of my ocean is off.

i'm going to get through this week. which might be just barely. thursday is my anniversary and we're going to brunch sunday to celebrate! so working out and eating good is going to take a back seat. i know it. i'll have to make sure it at least wears a seatbelt...so it doesnt go flying out the window if i crash. i am going to work out. i am going to cook dinner. i am going to make lunch. i am going to DRINK WATER!!

i think i might be allergic to water. it makes me want to vomit. i go through this weird phase. where water makes me want to vomit. we have a water cooler at work, but it looks like the last time it was cleaned was never. which grosses me out. and i've experienced way too many times what happens when i use the same poland springs bottle too many times. the mouth peice starts smelling like....well, crap. i had never experienced this before bc i never cared about drinking water before. but now im so paranoid of it that i always sniff before i drink. i just cant seem to get the stuff down!!! maybe i just need to splurge and buy a big pack of water bottles every week and use one a day. but then i dont want to be responsible for single handedly destroying the earth one plastic bottle at a time.

woe is me. pppoooorrr saddd dieting me!

Monday Weigh In

since this Monday weigh-in is being reported on Tuesday, you know it can't be good. i'm up 2 pounds. 247. good god. i wish i could sit here and lament over why and how this could have happened. but i know why. i ate really bad all weekend. and it was a looooong weekend. boo hoo. im over it. i want this.

Salad McMuffin?

im loving this salad idea that was inspired by the Rare Treasure! even my hubby loves them.

example:
*escarole*gorgonzola crumbles*chopped pear*chopped walnuts*chicken*
dressing: 2 tbsp cider vinegar, 1 tbsp olive oil, 1 tbsp raspberry jam--> all wisked together

they keep me and my hubby full until late in the day. and they are super tasty! and good for you (i super skimp on the cheese and walnuts). and they are so convenient. i love the economical approach of the egg mcmuffin. you have an entire, well rounded breakfast wrapped up in one perfect package! bread, meat, egg, cheese. you can it it with one hand. no fuss. no muss.

that's what the salad is for lunch. i have my veggies, a whole peice of fruit, and meat all in one bowl. i dont even have to stand in line for the microwave. (i put my salad dressing in a little ziplock bag and throw that in the bowl. at lunch i pour it over my salad and enjoy!)

im supposed to house sit starting this weekend. my bestfriend has 2 big dogs. they are super sweet. but really intimidating if they think you might be a bad guy. they live about 45 minutes away. so i dont go over there tooooo much. im kinda nervous that i might get mistaken for a big, round, Beggin' Strip. yes, i want to lose 60 lbs, but not by having my arms and legs torn off.

if i can win over the pooches, i think it will be really fun! my husband and i can stay in their big house for the week. and i wont have to be afraid to go for a walk on my own with two giant body guards protecting me! and she lives right on a canal path. in a very cute little college town. it will just be a nice change of pace.

im doing ZUMBA! tonight all by myself. but i have plans with WOB to go for a bike ride on Friday morning. i hope i can keep up with her. and i hope i can get air in my tires.

update on the cubicle next to me:
today it's BAGELS and CHEESE CAKE. now this is really starting to feel like a conspiracy. i love love love bagels and cheese cake. but im staying strong. grrrrrrrr...... *wimper-wimper*

Brownies and Naked Ladies

there's an empty cubicle next to mine. which apparantly resembles a kitchen or restaurant. every time food is brought in they pile it up in that cubicle. so messed up. it's like opening a bar next to an AA meeting place. or an ice cream shop next to a Weight Watchers.

brownies. yesterday the only guy who works here was inspired to bake. so he made a huge tray of brownies and put them on the desk in the cube next to me. he must have added some extra ingredient. because they were the most fragrant brownies i've ever sniffed. i was forced to turn my fan off bc the smell of brownie was blasting in my face. apparantly he made so many that there were a ton left over. they reappeared today.

it's not that im affraid of brownies. or feel that the world would be a better place with out them. i intend on enjoying many brownies in the years to come. but not now. something inside of me knows that if i have one i wont be able to stop. i want one not because i want a brownie. i want one bc i want junk food. im yearning for that feeling of freedom and release that comes from a good binge. eating as much as i can of whatever i can. i might consider filling the need for a brownie. but i wont fill the need of an addiction. unless it's to exercise! if anyone has the exercise bug, please come sneeze on me.

speaking of gross stuff and exercising: there are a lot of naked people at the YMCA. a lot. is it just me? are most people completely comfortable with their bodies? and comfortable showing their bodies? i might strip down to my bra and undies for a quick change into my gym clothes IF i had shaved very recently in ALL the shave-worthy places. but i really dont think i'd even attempt to change into a sports bra out in the open. my buoys dont float that well any more. they kinda sink. i dont need that to be common YMCA knowledge.

that might be a little extreme. i mean, really, who cares? it's a locker room. so im willing to admit that i might just be on the odd side. BUT these women are way beyond a quick change. one laday had only her undies on and was walking back and forth from her locker to the mirror putting on her make up! while chatting with the janitor! jeesh! and she was about 60, short and stout. another not so attractive 40 year old was just walking all around after getting out of the shower....hello! bring a towel WITH you!

but really, part of me likes it. i always wonder what people's bodies look like. it fills some deep rooted curiousity. so i always make sure to sneak a peak. you never know when you'll get the chance to see some thing like that again. (well, actually, any time i use the locker room i stand a pretty good chance) it's like when i worked in the ED. if some one came in with a compound fracture or an arrow through their chest, i kinda wanted to see it.

i guess that's why i always get a booth in the locker room. i know that sickos like me are out there!

Weigh-In

it's monday. the day the week of cooking healthy food, preparing healthy lunches, shopping in the produce section, and exercising all pays off.

i got out of bed and stood on my scale. and... *dramatic drum roll* down six pounds!! im so proud of myself. im very content. but im not jump up and down happy.

probably bc this was six pounds that was added to my bones just a few weeks ago. it shouldnt have been there in the first place, so the fact that it's gone is gratifying, but not amazing.

lunches this week are salads. im not a salad person by any means. they are usually not all that filling or tasty. and unless youre careful, they can be just as bad for you as a burger and fries. but i found some good ones. today it was:

spinach*fresh cherries (pitted and halved)*chives*chicken breast*gorgonzola crumbles*light salad dressing (ken's sweet vadalia onion) = YUM!

tonight i did kickboxing. it was pretty hard and pretty boring. more like a nightmarish gym class. it's really hard to move. i feel so heavy. i dont know if it's from actually being heavy. or if it's from being stiff from not moving enough or from sitting all day or not stretching enough. but it's pretty discouraging.

so WATER AEROBICS was a wonderful change of pace! my mom came with me saturday and hubby did it with me sunday. talk about fun!! and in the water im light as a feather. and it was a great workout. (the hot tub and sauna after weren't bad either *wink*)

so i met WOB (work out buddy) today. she didnt talk that much bc we were in kickboxing. and again im struck with mixed feelings. i was happy she was there. it made it at least a little fun. but then she wanted to leave a little early and i felt obligated to leave with her...even though i really wanted to stay and do some much needed stretching/floor exercises. and then wednesday she wants to meet for this community bike ride through the city. which sounds great, but i dont have air in my bike tires. and ZUMBA! is on wednesdays. this is more like a friendship. give and take. i like my workouts completely selfish. i feel like emailing her my workout schedule with a note that says, "show up if you want. if you want entertainment, bring your iPOD. i aint talkin'. if im talking, then this workout needs to be kicked up a notch!"

on a postive note, i met the Rare Treasure this weekend. my hubby and her hubby get along really good. and we're doing a girl's day friday bc we have off. hair and pedicures! ive never had a girly friend like that! it's so fun! and she's so much like me. she feels like the sister i never had.

and my hubby has been super sweet lately. i had some complaints and with hardly any prodding, he's going out of his way to show me that he GETS it and that it MATTERS to him and he wants to FIX it. no major problems...just things that make life nicer.

i'll leave you with a yummy smoothie recipe:

frozen raspberrries*white chocolate raspberry yoplait yogurt*frozen peaches*milk*sprinkle of crystal light peach tea powder = YUM!

week 2 is gonna be a bigger challenge than week one. but im ready. bring it on!

BOOO-yah!

good news! WOB showed up! in her workout clothes. and we actually talked and worked out together. can it get any better? well...maybe.

i've discovered an unexpected side effect of the highly saught work out buddy: they talk. which is fine. entertainment. anything to keep me from looking at the clock is embraced during a work out. but her talking requires responses. im not so much into that. when i work out, i want to work out! sweating, heavy breathing, focusing on the feeling...kinda like hot sex. and just like with sex, i dont mind hearing a little chit chat. but im really not into making it. not only does it put me on the spot, bc i kinda suck at small talk, but it's hard to talk when im working out. it's physically uncomfortable.

so what did i want? why did i place an ad for a work out buddy? well. i wanted her to show up. so that i would have to show up. i wanted her to work her ass off. so i would be inspired to work my ass off. i wanted a partner in this work out thing. not a big conversation! talking before and after would be completely fine. or, like i said, listening to her would be fine too.

maybe it wont always be this way. it was the first time we met. so we were both outside our comfort zone. but man, she is pretty great, besides that. she is so sweet. she's a social worker. has her master's in social work. after talking to her i really like her. she is absolutely some one i could be friends with!

and the work out was great! we did the treadmill for 40 mins. i did it at 3.0 mph. then we did the eliptical. only 10 mintues. on level 11 at 4.2 mph. then i stretched (there is a stretching spot after all!) and we walked out together and went on our merry ways.

but. when i got in my car, my right foot felt funny. and then when i got home it actually HURT. and i couldnt really walk on it. but i couldnt tell if IT was hurt. i still cant tell. im icing it now. wouldnt that just be the fly in my soda?! im in denial. it's not hurt. it's not hurt. when i wake up it will be fine.

more bad news for my feet:

there's a very strict dress code where i work. bc the company is so huge and a lot of the jobs have direct contact with customers. well. where i work, we never see customers. and the boss is awesome. so she came up with this "comfy clothes pass" where you get this pass as a reward for jobs well done, and if you wear it, then you can dress down. well everyone just wears them all the time and just dresses down 80% of the time. which is great. well, today, becky stripped on a step and hurt her ankle. and filed an accident report. my boss's boss, who is a bit anal, saw that becky (like everyone else) was wearing the forbidden FLIP FLOP. apparantly, a "comfy clothes pass" does not override the flip flop. so it was put in her file that she "disregarded the dress code" (ouch!) and an email went out as a not so friendly reminder about the dress code.

summer is dress down anyways, but i was specifically told by my cool boss that the flip flops i was wearing were a big no-no. she says that if her boss sees it, she'll make her send people home and revoke the dress down thing all together...heaven forbid!! us 8-5 gals have to hold on to any perk we can get! so flip flops are out. so sad.

another great plan day! instant kashi oatmeal. cherries. veggie chili. white peach. FF yogurt. 1/2 serving of sour patch kids. dolmades. salad. pineapple. 2 bites of Hubby's wrap. lots of water. and 50 minutes of exercise. BOO-yah!